Tag: NaNoWriMo

Web of Secrets by Sarah Downie

Murder. Intrigue. Secrets and lies. Who killed Deirinna’s mother and why?

A northern girl who danced for the Emperor Breithrichten and later bore his daughter, Aigheanna was murdered after Breithrichten proposed. Their baby daughter was hidden in the north with Aigheanna’s relations and her discovery by Lord Cuilean fourteen years later prompts a new investigation. Iolairhen, the current Emperor is Deirinna’s cousin and both have equal claim to the Crown. The Emperor’s Chief Councillor, Lord Fegann, has his own agenda and is regarded as the power behind the throne. Only Cuilean can protect Deirinna and guide her through this new world. Each player at the Imperial Court has their secrets and Deirinna’s arrival threatens to reveal all.

Set against a backdrop reminiscent of Britain with the north and south divide, the Imperial Court contains flavours of Persia, China and Europe, as seen through clothing and character appearance. Women wear dresses in many colours made of cotton and silk and men were trousers with long sleeved silk robes, the colours denoting their rank and station. Appearance ranges from blonde with blue eyes to dark with brown eyes and all colours in between. Distinctive eye colours such as amber and mismatched green and brown are a marking of royal lineage.

Web of Secrets begins with Aigheanna’s murder and flashes forward to Deirinna’s discovery before going back in time to when Aigheanna arrived at the Palace. Mother and daughter’s storylines interweave as secrets are revealed in both timelines, with repercussions for all involved.

The Book Doctors:

A story about an empire, with lots of political intrigue and murder, never goes out of fashion.  And it sounds like you’ve got one of these in spades. But we think you do yourself an enormous disservice by starting with the words “Murder.  Intrigue.  Secrets and lies.”  At this point those are clichés.  We’ve seen these words so many times, in fact, they’ve sort of lost their ability to grab us.  There are also too many names in this pitch.  We got lost trying to figure out who was who, and who is doing what to whom.  We understand there are two stories, but we don’t really know who the heroine, or heroines, is or are.  We like the idea of combining East and West, Europe and Asia, but your descriptions of the clothing, colors and eyes, they don’t seem specific or unique enough. As for the end, “Repercussions for all involved” is way too generic. We want carnage, heartache, disaster!

Mr. Write by Sara Pauff

Joanna “Jo” Elliott’s perfect man? Tall, dark and imaginary.

Since her last relationship ended in heartbreak, Jo has spent more time thinking about fictional men than real ones. But when one of her favorite literary men, Mr. Rochester of Jane Eyre, appears one night, she’s more pissed off than pleased to see him.

Of course, he does nearly gallop over her car. Also, he’s rather rude. And Jo has no idea how he ended up in a modern-day college town or how to get him back to his novel.

Her confusion only grows as more characters show up at her house and the bookstore where she works. Soon Jo discovers she can bring to life any fictional being she wants simply by writing about them. Scribble down a short story, write some fanfiction or just compose a note in a greeting card and BAM! Instant hero.

So when her best friend suffers yet another break-up, Jo decides to create the perfect man. All she has to do is write a simple love story.

Someone should have warned Jo that nothing about love is simple.

No matter what she writes – and rewrites – Jo can’t get her leading man to cooperate. And she doesn’t have time to wait for romance to bloom, because that guy who broke her heart? He’s back, and he’s dating her best friend.

“Mr. Write” is a 98,000-word work of women’s fiction. I am a newspaper copy editor and former newspaper reporter and columnist.

The Book Doctors:

We really like the first lines of this pitch.  Such a wonderful play on the old cliché: Tall, dark and handsome.  You’ve taken something familiar and turned it on its head.  That tells us right away you have a cool, unique voice.  You also have a terrific premise.  It reminds us a little of the Woody Allen movie Purple Rose of Cairo.  This idea of a character from another story being put like a fish out of water into a strange environment is familiar, but what you’re doing with it seems unique.  Everyone knows Mr. Rochester.  He is a big pain in the ass.  We like that she works in a bookstore as well.  Weirdly, that will help you sell books when this novel comes out.  And we really like the weird superhero powers that she has.  That she can conjure these beloved literary characters.  It’s very post-modern and meta in the best sense.  This idea of creating a leading man who won’t cooperate her with her seem so funny and deeply psychologically revealing at the same time.  Then you have the guy who broke her heart back in the mix, increasing complications.  We were a little confused as to whether she plays a role in her best friend being with the guy who broke her heart or not. That seems important.  Plus, we’d like to know what kind of newspapers you wrote for. This experience can be a big leg up in getting published, so the more info the better. Great pitch!

Claimed By an Angel by Izzy Verdery

This truly cosmic fantasy YA novel Claimed By an Angel treads in Milton’s footsteps, creating a world at the mercy of a bickering, once-married, couple – God and Satan – who have decided to use two human pawns to settle their dispute once and for all. And this time? God is a woman.

Stella and Rachel are best friends. When they’re each claimed by polar opposites: Heaven and Hell, neither knows what happened to the other.

As soon as Stella finds out where Rachel is, she is determined to try and find and rescue her. As she gets her wings, learns some magic, and becomes someone worthy of angel hood in Heaven, she has to go, because Rachel’s in trouble. Meanwhile, Rachel finds herself on dark street, talking to a strange boy who claims he knows the Devil. Trying to navigate the World of Shadows is hard, but it’s even harder as she uncovers more about who she is, why she’s there, and just where Stella might be.

With the help of their friends, the two girls begin a quest that none of them fully understand to bring a millennia-old relationship back to the start. In this thrilling tale of friendship, first romance, and new beginnings, follow Rachel and Stella as they embark on a quest to find each other. New teenage author Izzy Verdery showcases the best of dystopian YA fantasy fiction. The story of Stella and Rachel will show the other side of history- the greatest love story ever told.

The Book Doctors:

First of all, we are kind of awed by the fact that you are a teenage author.  That is so cool! We always say agents, publishers and readers are looking for stories that are familiar yet unique.  Paradise Lost casts such enormous shadows over Western culture, you automatically give yourself a built-in fan base.  And then you have the great twist that God is a woman.  It feels biblical, but very modern at the same time.  We also love that Satan and God were a bickering once-married couple.  You also allude to other great stories, like Orpheus and Eurydice, in which Orpheus descends into hell to retrieve the love of his life.  In terms of how to improve the pitch, we don’t quite get any vision of the “World of Shadows”.  What exactly is she facing? You use the word “quest” twice in the same paragraph.  Don’t tell us that your book is thrilling.  Just show us. Similarly, don’t tell us that you are the “best of dystopian fiction.”  Just show us how great you are.  You could also use a couple of comparable titles, books that you think are similar.

Ravaged by Sara Knaus

Sabine’s body opened at the demon’s feet, her porcelain skin marred by blood that bubbled up from her throat.  Tremors surged along the creature’s spine as it gorged itself on the meat.

Supple, Odile thought desperately. Supple, supple, that’s what you are. The word was a mantra, fixed in her brain like a failing prayer.

The hedonistic city of Hjarta blossomed on hallowed ground, and the god Seg’vora is set on retribution. Odile is one of many hapless libertines, has her indulgent ways brought to a halt when her lover and famed courtesan, Sabine Uzzolta, is slaughtered by the Hell-sent ravagers that prey upon harlots and panders.

Following Sabine’s death, Odile and her cousin Andrea can take on the shape of the demons at will, able to slay them. Hjarta’s leaders vie for their allegiance, the High Priestess seeking to appease the ravenous god; the Doge to destroy it.

Interested only in avenging Sabine, Odile lunges into a crusade against Hell. Casualties rise. Seg’vora speaks through Andrea’s sister Rozia, a priestess, ravening after her notorious cousin.

As she delves deeper into the mystic world that has oppressed her, Odile learns that her battle is one Sabine began long ago, one that she trusted Odile to win for her – even if she tears the world down to do it.

Inspired by Renaissance myth and seduction, Ravaged is a fantastical war against heaven, paved by the darkly intimate history of two corrupt women.

Enter the city, if you can evade its jaws.

The Book Doctors:

Your pitch is your audition to show us what a wonderful writer you are, and after reading your pitch we’re really convinced you know how to put words together.  We love the log line at the end: “Enter the city, if you can evade its jaws.” We also enjoy the way you give us a little sample of the book right in the beginning so we see the tone and style of your book.  Instead of telling us about it, you show us the action. And there’s so much at stake in the story, right from the beginning.  But we do need more word pictures.  Again, you have to build this world for us so that we can see it.  You tell us that our heroine can take on the shape of the demon, but we don’t know what the demon looks like.  How is it different than all the other demons to come before it? And we feel like there are too many characters in this pitch. We lose track, particularly because the names are unfamiliar.  The pitch needs to be simpler.  Also, we don’t quite get enough of a sense of who our heroine is; we don’t quite fall in love with her; we’re not quite rooting for her.  For example, what exactly are her “indulgent ways”?

The Movie of Her Dreams by Candice Watson 

Jessica Bentley is a hero. Jessica Bentley is a slut. Jessica Bentley is crazy. Or, at least, that’s what the senior class at Crowe Academy would have you believe.

In reality, Jess wants to get out. After an ill-advised fling went wrong the year before, any goodwill that her peers might have had for her has gone out the window. Her position as president of the Film Club is constantly being undermined by her manipulative vice president, her lacrosse captain is trying to get her to quit, and her best boy friend-slash-epic crush wants nothing to do with her.

But there’s only so much wallowing that a girl can do, especially during her last year of high school. Jess is hell-bent on getting into film school, and in order to do that, she has to make The Movie of Her Dreams. To do that, she needs a little help from the friends that she still has, as well as the assistance of Matt, her best friend’s brother-slash-Crowe’s football star, who is far more intelligent and perceptive than Jess expected.

Making The Movie of Her Dreams and getting into film school is a long term escape, but what about the short term? Will Jess be able to put herself back together in eight months, or will she become more undone by the time senior year’s over?

The Book Doctors:

We really like the way this pitch begins.  The unexpected juxtaposition of hero and slut.  It convinces us from the very beginning that you are skilled and talented writer.  We like that our heroine has a goal and quest, something she has to complete, with a clock ticking in the background.  It’s a good plot, and you have a good writing style.  And we like Jessica right away.  We’d like to see her doing something nice for other people, so we’d go from liking her loving her.  You’ve done a great job of having everything and everyone stacked against her, increasing difficulties on all sides.  But we don’t think this pitch comes to a sufficient climax.  Becoming more undone doesn’t feel climactic to us.  We want to know the specifics of what’s going to go wrong if she fails.  We’d like to understand more about where this relationship with Matt is going, for better or for worse.

Mai Gao Fen by Tia Kalla 

Iskandar said the world would be in danger if the artifacts weren’t collected.  Dei wasn’t so concerned with that.  The fact that he’d gotten one of those artifacts embedded in her body, to her, was more of a pressing problem.  But even though it might do who-knows-what, both it and Iskandar left her questions she couldn’t answer. Finding those answers was worth some small risk.

Iskandar’s quest takes Dei and her sister across the Shoumin Empire they live in and its surrounding territories: the towering pagodas, the complex gearwork, the gowns and suits on the cutting edge of fashion.  Dei’s genius with clerical magic (and her sister’s kleptomania) acquire them more of the artifacts, and new friends across the continent.

But there are things about himself that Iskandar hasn’t told her.  And there are things his superiors haven’t told him about the items he’s seeking.  And she’s not too eager to tell them that their precious artifact is camping in her abdomen.

Knowledge used to be the only thing Dei was interested in.  Then she found people she was interested in.  Now the knowledge she loves may ruin the people she’s come to care about.

MAI GAO FEN is an Asian steampunk fantasy novel in progress.

The Book Doctors:

We love that the artifact is “camping in her abdomen”.  That is a very intriguing image and one we want to know more about.  But we think this pitch has a problem with how it introduces the characters.  Because these names are unknown to us, We don’t know whether they’re male or female.  Then there’s a sister thrown in who seems to be quite a comic character but doesn’t have a name. So we quickly become confused.  If you give physical descriptions of these characters, we can see them and relate to them better.  And since you’re creating a world, we need to see more of that as well.  We got the towering pagodas (cool!), but we don’t quite see the complex gear work, we don’t exactly know what “the cutting edge of fashion” means in this context.  Part of the cool thing about steam punk fantasy is the imagination gets to run wild.  But you have not displayed to us at that your imagination is going to show me things we have never seen before.

The Fourth Arrow by Hazel Sparks

Welcome to Anguilire.

It’s a city tucked away in a valley in a sort of dark fantasy realm. It and its resident heroine-to-be are beacons of light in the ever-growing darkness descending on their world.

She’s an elf – Emilia – and a member of Anguilire’s guard, the Arrows. When the threat of invasion looms, they are called to action.

The invaders are nightmarish creatures. They are greedy and cruel, but worst of all blindly led by a king bent on burning the elves’ city to the ground. Now this enemy has acquired a power that will ensure his success if the Arrows fail.

To complicate things, Emilia has a secret that no one – not even her comrades – can know. It just might be the key to saving her people, if it doesn’t get her killed in the process.

The villain isn’t the only obstacle in her way (though he’s a nasty brute). The Arrows will be tested by monsters, the elements, and even each other.

This fresh twist on the classic forest-elves-fantasy combines a love story with a white-knuckle adventure that will push our heroes to their limits. The Fourth Arrow  is also full of symbols that give the story true meaning between the lines.

About Me

The Book Doctors:

Real Chemistry by Arjav Shah

Imagine you have the ability to control any element from the periodic table. This is the case for Oxy Ivankov, a fourteen-year old boy, who can control oxygen from the periodic table. He is an elemental user- one who can manipulate elements from the periodic table. Unfortunately, Oxy is targeted for murder by Hydro Parker who can control hydrogen as that is the only way Hydro can control oxygen and ergo water.

Now, Oxy and his friends Nick Courshier and Cal Lopner must thwart the numerous kidnapping attempts of Hydro’s children, Neo and Lea Parker who are elemental users. To make matters worse, Nick accidently murder an elemental user named Alu. Nick has to attend the next Periodic Table of Elements Council in Tempton.

Oxy manages to convince everyone that Nick is innocent only to later learn from his grandfather Iro that if Hydro can’t kill Oxy, he will set his sights on the Periodic Table of Book Elements. There are two parts to the Periodic Table of Elements Book and Oxy has to track down the other half of the book. Oxy needs to support of the council.

This leads Oxy and his friends on an early vacation to Europe to win the support of the individual Council members in addition to finding the other half of the book. Oxy discovers that the second part of the book is in the Bell Tower of the English Parliament. He obtains the book, but must obtain the support of the council.

The Book Doctors:

We’ve heard a lot of pitches, but we haven’t yet seen characters who can control the elements! Such a cool idea.  But we’re not sure what cool things they’re doing exactly.  You need to show us what our hero is able to accomplish because he can control oxygen.  Also, there’s a pretty glaring mistake in your pitch.  “Oxy needs to support of the council.”  Agents and editors want to know that you’ve carefully scoured your work and little errors like this stand out.  We also don’t quite see the arc of the characters’ journeys.  We don’t get a sense of exactly what the villain wants.  And the pitch doesn’t come to a fiery climax.  One other industry thing: We were doing a panel recently with an agent who said how much she hates getting pitches that start with the author telling her to imagine something.  It’s redundant.  You’re writing a piece of fiction.  Inherent in that is the fact that you’re asking us to imagine something.  It’s just wasted words.  You only have 250 words, so each one is golden.  Arielle once said that a pitch is like a poem, each word counts.

Once Upon a Life by Clarissa Kae

Every night Isla Belle Thorne is haunted by the same recurring vision of ill-fated love: an immortal man, Rhett Rhyn, holds his dead bride, only to find her decades later, very much alive but stripped of the memory of their love. Despite being the love of all her lives, Rhett and the woman tango with her birth and death for over four centuries.

When Isla’s home is destroyed by fire, the man from her visions appears. Rhett shares an unnerving secret – the dreams are real, and so is her fate of continual rebirth.

Isla and Rhett race to solve the mystery of her eternal reincarnation before destiny can stake its claim, again.

ONCE UPON A LIFE is a 100,000 word women’s fiction with historical overtones. Using alternating time periods between past and present, the manuscript mirrors Anne Fortier’s Juliet and Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life.

Single White Witch by Jessica Scott

SINGLE WHITE WITCH SEEKING roommate for large Victorian home.  Must be willing to share with other tenants including an eccentric Shaman, a Human RPG-addicted insomniac and a brooding Werewolf. Respond if you’re an open-minded individual who doesn’t shrink at the sight of blood, and would consider the possibility of testing unproven spells and hexes (rent negotiable).  Desirable area with privacy and a short walk to transit and Starbucks.

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Three down, one to go.  Katelyn’s rent crisis is nearly resolved, but her day job looks bleak.  A fledgling Witch with a lone (albeit rare) skill set, standing out at the Agency is a daily struggle. The organization is humming with talent, bursting at the seams with monsters, muscles and magic.  Rungs are materializing above her on the career ladder and it’s only a matter of time before she’s reassigned to the desolate South with corrupt HR and terrible coffee.

Now the Agency must unite for an enemy they’ve never encountered.  She’s trying to focus, but her gifted best friend gets scapegoated for a botched job, the Shaman is channeling Marilyn Monroe at awkward moments, and the Coven is hunting for something she can’t surrender.  Suddenly the Vegan vs. Werewolf conflict at home seems trivial.

This Urban Fantasy is reminiscent of Jim Butcher’s Dresden Files and Kim Harrison’s Hallows Series.  The resilient protagonist is a mix of Stephanie Plum and your typical witch next door, trying to make her mark in a ruthless world with perseverance, attitude and spunk.

The Book Doctors:

We absolutely love the way this pitch begins.  It tells us so much using a device we are very familiar with in a cool new way.  The personal ad looking for a roommate.  It’s great.  When this pitch is specific, it’s fantastic, and when it gets general it loses us.  For example, you tell us that our heroine has a rare skill set, but you don’t give me enough of a clue as to what it is.  It’s a fine line, knowing what to reveal and what to conceal.  But here we feel like too much is concealed.  We want to know what’s cool and unique about her and her skills. But we really love the voice of this pitch.  “Corrupt HR and terrible coffee”.  The wonderful juxtaposition of unexpected ideas next to each other.  “The Shaman is channeling Marilyn Monroe at awkward moments”.  It’s really fun and funny.  We would like to know more about the villainous evil and what specifically will be the results if the villains win.  We can’t really visualize what “monsters, muscles and magic” are.  Make each thing specific and unique to this story.  We absolutely love that last line.  It’s really funny and great.  And finally, just when we were thinking it was never going to happen, we got a couple of real, genuine, comparable titles.  Well done!