Category: 2012 Nanowrimo

Epic punks, self-Googling, teenage cowboys, hired assassins, a ynkedra, Steve Jobs in heaven, fantasy kingdoms in galaxies far far away, and of course a couple of vampires. Once again, we were totally blown away by the diversity, quantity and quality of pitches we got in our NaNoWriMo Pitchapalooza. But of course we’ve come to expect this level of excellence from NaNo Nation. The Book Doctors had an absolute blast swimming in this vast pool of pitches. Write on, Wrimos!

Now for the 411: The 25 pitches below were selected randomly. Our comments follow each pitch. It’s our mission to try to help all you amazing writers not just get published, but get successfully published. That’s why we’ve told you what works, but also what needs to be improved.

On March 15, 2012, we will name a winner. But, in the mean time, don’t let our opinion sway you. What story intrigues you? What pitch would prod you from the couch to the bookstore (or, if you’re really lazy, to buy it online!)? This year, we’ve made it easy for you to vote for your favorite pitch. The pitch that receives the most votes will be awarded the “fan favorite”, and the author will receive a free one-hour consult with us (worth $250).

But please note: YOU CAN ONLY VOTE ONCE! So please choose carefully. Don’t just read the first couple of pitches — read them all. You owe it to your fellow Wrimos. Encourage your friends, family and random strangers to vote for you via the link to the poll. We will also be posting these pitches—a couple a day–on our Facebook page. We encourage anyone to “like” your entry but only poll votes from the webpage will count towards the Fan Favorite.

P.S. Many of you have emailed us to ask if we’re still offering free 20-minute consultations (worth $100) to anyone who buys a copy of The Essential Guide To Getting Your Book Published. The answer is yes! Click on the book link to order. And then send us a copy of your sales receipt. The offer stands until the 15th.

New Leaves

by A. N. Steiner
Narai wakes from a coma to find the Earth destroyed, everyone she’d ever known gone. At least she has her health … permanently. Experimental nanobots have saved her life and given her a prosthetic immune system worth killing for.

Too bad the technology that healed Narai was destroyed along with the Earth. Now a sadistic doctor is determined to take her apart and find out what makes her tick. And when he’s done, a shady military organization wants to remake her into a mindless weapon.

Worst of all, Narai’s starting to have serious doubts about herself. How many inhuman abilities can you have before you stop being human? Then again, all the people in her new life have betrayed her and her only loyal friend has four legs and fur. Given the choice, does she even want to be human? Can she outsmart her pursuers long enough to find out?

New Leaves is space opera with a soul, a thrilling chase across galaxies combined with a desperate search for belonging.

David: This has the wonderful feeling of a Philip K Dick story. Where a human being has been altered against their will, and then has to pay the consequences. And the basic questions it asks about what makes us human seem very profound and philosophical, without being didactic because they’re presented in the context of this high-stakes story. And I love that her only loyal friend has four legs and fur. Space opera with soul. That’s great. It really leads me to believe that you are a writer. I don’t quite understand though how exactly her prosthetic immune system works. I’d like to know more about our villain. I don’t have enough details to really hate him yet. I guess I’d like to know a little bit more about our heroine’s hopes dreams and aspirations as well. I don’t think the title is quite as good as the story. But I really did enjoy this pitch very much.

After the Jump

by Adrianne Russell
I’m Kelly Landers, seventeen and counting. My family moves around a lot. Six times in six years a lot. But for reasons too mortifying to mention, this time I’m happy to say buh-bye to my old life.

Daddy’s ruthless ambition gene has him moneyed enough to put me in private school. That same birth defect makes him insist I hang with his new boss’ kids. Sounds peachy but there’s a few problems: They hate each other’s guts, Bryce reminds me of the guys I left behind in all the worst ways and Cara’s boyfriend is sending serious signals that I can’t ignore.

So let’s recap: Uniforms, forced friends and way too many temptations. Great.

And topping off that screwed-up sundae? Once again, Mama thinks eating is optional. Once again, Daddy’s burying his head in blueprints. Once again, I’m Queen of Damage Control.

I’m trying to be different.

I’m trying to slow down.

I’m trying to start over.

I’m trying to make up for my mistakes.

Too bad life’s saying, “Screw that.”

AFTER THE JUMP (70,000 words) is a contemporary YA novel that explores what happens when the past you’re trying to forget crashes into the future you’re desperate to create.

David: I very much like the voice of this pitch. We always tell people, your pitch has to completely reflect the style and language of your book. And you really convinced me that you can write from the perspective of a teenager. Normally I don’t recommend the whole pitch in the first person. But you totally pull it off. And I like this idea of the kid who has to be the adult. The way those last five sentences are all spread out over their own lines. But this triangle that you develop early on between our heroine and the new boss’ kids doesn’t really go anywhere. It’s a very cool start, but it’s not developed sufficiently. Again, I don’t get the sense of beginning, middle and end.

Princess Geek

by Karen Procopio
Boys don’t like girls who are too smart. That’s all 15-year old Megan Thompson has heard since she decided to enter the Stockwell Computer Engineering Competition. PRINCESS GEEK is the story of a super-competitive, computer-savvy girl who must decide which is more important: winning the competition and a prestigious summer internship or putting on the ditz and glitz to win the attention and affections of hottie Michael Alexander, who also happens to be the competition. Will Megan roll up her lab coat sleeves and fight to win the internship or hide her intelligence for romance and a prom date with Michael?

As a computer science teacher, I wrote this story after observing a disconcerting phenomenon with my female students. In 5th grade, they arrive inquisitive and fearless. By seventh grade, they’ve morphed into ditzy girls who hide their intelligence for the boys’ attention.

Unique to this story is the subtle, embedded storyline through which the reader learns about computer technology, i.e. when Megan prepares for the computer competition, she troubleshoots computer systems, replaces components and programs code. The reader will learn the same concepts as Megan, thus empowering him/her to troubleshoot his/her own system after the book has been read.

David: There’s so much pressure on girls to dumb themselves down. That’s just one of the reasons I like this story. It’s good to have a book that girls can read which puts a 15-year-old female in the position of having to choose between being smart and being popular. I also like that there’s a learning element, in terms of computers. I think you have to be very careful that it blends nicely into the narrative, and doesn’t stop the story dead. And I like the way you use language, for example, putting the words “ditz and glitz” together. Plus, I like that you give us your background so we know there’s an authenticity, because you’ve been there, done that seen it and lived it. But I would like to know more about her relationship and potential romance with Michael. That feels very underdeveloped to me. There’s a great beginning, but not so much of a middle or an ending.

Our Friends and Neighbors

by David Rockwell
Our Friends and Neighbors is “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” of Social Networking.

Social media has become a nearly universal experience. We reach out to aliens through a website called SubSpacelink.org. One morning, the romantically challenged Brian Wyatt posts a simple statement to the site: “Brian Wyatt is alone in the Universe”. A larksome alien, identifying himself only as Galrick of Mars, responds and asks to borrow a cup of sugar.

Humanity does what it does best. It panics.

Government agents attempt to arrest Brian and some of his friends to try to make sense of this pandemonium. Galrick steals a ship to rescue them. A warship is sent to stop him. We, in an informational vacuum, conclude they are invading.

Emerging from this chaos, the newly sworn in President of the United States bravely attempts to calm people by going into space to greet these strange new visitors. As she makes first contact, more aliens arrive in the solar system. They are seeking revenge against our new neighbors. In a desperate battle to save the fleet and humanity, Galrick, Brian and the President are forced to make a decision that will change life for everyone on Earth.

Arielle: When the alien asks to borrow a cup of sugar, I fell in love with this book! That is such a great line. The intimacy between the lonely human and the alien in this moment come to life in a very ET way. Bravo. But I am confused by elements of this pitch. If social media is universal and we regularly reach out to aliens, why does humanity panic after this alien gets in touch? The setup doesn’t relate to the second half of the pitch.

David: This is a really fun idea for a story. And it plays wonderfully on this fear that we all have of being alone in the universe. And how we’d love to prove that we’re not by connecting with someone from a galaxy far far away. I don’t think you should use the comparable titles of the beginning. Again, I would save those for the end. And I don’t think you need to tell us that social media has become a nearly universal experience. The pitch doesn’t really start for me until “One morning, the romantically challenged…” I just like the way you write. “Humanity does what it does best. It panics.” I love this kind of declarative sentence. It’s very good. What I don’t get out of this pitch is the sense of who Brian and Galrick are. What kind of relationship do they form? What are these aliens from other planets like? The end of the pitch is almost there, but not quite, IMHO. I want to know graphically what the consequences of failure will be. What exactly are the stakes?

Untitled

by Nathan Colpitts
Music has power. When words fail, music speaks. It can make us laugh, or cry. A single song can break a heart and mend it, or stir an army to life. In a resounding crescendo the epic fantasy and world building of The Lord of the Rings meets the enchanted music of The Magic Flute in a story which will draw you in and wrap ‘round you like a beloved melody.

In the Commonwealth Harmonies music is a way of life. Ships skip across the seas propelled by the shanties of their sailors; castles are carved from the bedrock of mountains by thousands of voices raised in song. Wars are waged with music as often as with weapons. Yet there is dissent in the Commonwealth as governmental promises of better lives fall flat.

Here is the story of a downtrodden people struggling to save their heritage in a land shaped and torn by greed and power and of insurgents running for safety as war drums thundering. It is the story of a husband and wife in the prime of their lives discovering each other anew and of two young lovers struggling to find a place in a dangerously shifting world.

Arielle: I’m moved by the idea that music powers a people. That’s beautiful! But for me, this pitch doesn’t start in the right place. We need to start with the husband and wife (and possibly with the two young lovers if they get equal time in the book). Then we need a brief scene where we see exactly how music comes into these people’s lives. It’s hard to start with an idea, even an idea as good as this.

David: I love music. And I don’t think I’m not alone there. So this idea that music can actually power ships and carve mountains feels very powerful and universal to me. It’s also very unique. I’ve never seen a pitch exactly like this. And I’ve seen tens of thousands of pitches. But there’s something crucially missing from this pitch. A hero. Someone to root for. Name me a great story that doesn’t have a hero I fall in love with. Even if that hero is deeply deeply flawed. I was trained in Hollywood as a screenwriter. I once had a meeting with an executive from Roger Corman’s company. For those of you who don’t know Corman, he’s a Hollywood legend who made hundreds of movies, and every single one of them made money. When he started a movie, the first thing he’d do was come up with a poster. Not have a script written. Not hire a director. Make a poster. I have no idea who’s on the poster of your story. And that’s a problem. A big problem. I don’t think you should have all the comparable titles in the first paragraph either. Save those for the end. In the final paragraph about the downtrodden people struggling to save their heritage in the land shaped and torn by greed and power, that feels like it could describe hundreds and hundreds of stories. I need more specifics. How is your story about greed and power different than all those other stories about greed and power?

Lost but Found

by Albie Ashbrook
Over the course of one summer, ten year old Tippa spends a lot of time going through various lost and found bins. But unlike other kids, she is not there trying to retrieve her own lost items. With an uncanny sense of direction, Tippa has long been good at finding things. Now Tippa is finding a very strange message in the lost and found. A message that her skills may be useful for more than just finding her mother’s lost keys. An invitation to join an elite team of finders. But first she must find their school.

Living in Hong Kong, the American Tippa takes readers through crowded shops, across hot beaches and into high rise apartment buildings as she finds clues, deciphers their meaning and tries to stay one step ahead of those who want to intercept the messages. Aided by her eccentric piano teacher and her siblings, Tippa must figure it all out before summer is over. If not, time runs out and this golden opportunity to develop her skills passes to the next geographically gifted kid.

The Amazing Race Southeast Asia + Heroes for kids= this book.

Arielle: Who isn’t intrigued by lost and found bins?! And I love the fact that your book starts out here. I also adore the setting of Hong Kong. What I’m left wondering about is the “elite team of finders”. With the comparison to Heroes at the end, I’m sensing there’s a fantasy element to this book, but I’m not getting it from the pitch.

David: : First of all, I really like the title. And I don’t think I’m alone in finding lost and found bins fascinating. I love that she becomes part of a secret underground society of people who find things. And yes, Hong Kong is a very cool setting. But I’d like to know some more of the weird and interesting locales and places, people and things I’m going to see you take me on this fascinating journey through this strange world. The ending leaves me a little cold. I’m not sure what the stakes are here. “The next geographically gifted kid”? I don’t understand what that means exactly. And who is the villain? Who’s the person I’m going to love to hate in this story? I also don’t get the Heroes reference. It doesn’t seem to be supported within the pitch.

The Morning After Service

by Grace Tierney
Ever wished for a hangover cure, the perfectly cooked breakfast, and childcare for the morning after the night before?

You need the Morning After Service. Newly single Dublin city-girl Kay has teamed up with her best friend and mother of twin toddlers, Anna, to unleash their potential as Irish Moms with Attitude.

But nothing prepares the friends for exploding eggs, laundry turning pink, babies vomiting in weird places, accidentally attacking an ex-boyfriend, hormonally-challenged food critics, and cross-dressing joggers. They even become entangled in a golf club vendetta with a scheming business rival.

Only their sense of humour and friendship will get them through, especially when love adds to the hangover. Her return to work and her interfering mother-in-law drags sensible Anna to the edge of divorce, while impulsive Kay falls for a flirty client who just can’t say the words “I love you”.

Deploying their collection of wise and bizarre hangover cures (used throughout as chapter headings) the friends find soothing sore heads is much easier than mixing business, love, and friendship.

Arielle: Fun. That’s what I had reading this pitch. Entertained. That’s what I believe I will feel when reading your book. And I love the hangover hook. I definitely want more detail about who these ladies are, who they’re married to, where they stand in the social order. Give us a word picture of each of them so we can see them in our mind’s eye.

David: : I like this pitch. It reminds me a little bit of Daddy Day Care, only much better. The Irish angle is really fun. I think you could exploit it more. For example, when you talk about their sense of humor, I’d rather you show it to me, in all its beautiful Irishness, instead of telling me about it. I like Irish Moms with Attitude. I think it could also have more fun with actually telling us specifics, for example, what the cross-dressing joggers actually look like. “Scheming business rival”, that just seems too generic. And this idea that a man can’t say “I love you.” That seems like something I’ve seen in many many many romantic comedies. And it doesn’t seem to come to any kind of climax.

Spider

by Christopher Long
Spencer Waterman had it all. Valedictorian, star athlete, voted Most Likely to Rule the World. Married to the most popular girl to ever grace the halls of Piedmont Hills High School, MBA from Harvard Business School, and a six-figure starting salary as an analyst for Goldman Sachs.

That was before the crash of 2008, when his world was pulled out from under him.

Two years later he sits on the front porch of his rented house holding his retarded infant son and a warm beer and watches the traffic flow by as his wife and her lover share his bed. All he wants is to escape this living hell. All he needs is a chance to start over, to make good on all the promise his life used to hold.

His redemption comes unexpectedly in the form of his own illicit affair as well as in one of mankind’s nightmare creatures, a black widow spider. Or rather, a whole tractorshed full of them.

What seems like the perfect answer to all of his problems quickly spins out of control. By then, however, he is powerless to stop what’s happening.

And who he’s becoming.

Arielle: In a very few sentences, you tell a big story. And you’ve got a protagonist who seems right in line with the zeitgeist. I love the image of him sitting on the porch. I can just see him. What I need now is a little more story regarding the spiders. This pitch is very setup heavy, but light on plot.

David: The story is a classic Job story, where someone who has everything gets it all taken away, through no fault of his own. We talk about consequences, what’s at stake, and this story has that in spades. The paragraph about his redemption seems very abrupt, and it loses its power when it’s put together with a black widow spider. Those seem like such very different thoughts, and yet you cram them together. The way it’s done now, it doesn’t seem to do justice to either one. In this pitch there seems to be a very strong beginning and a very strong end, but not much middle.